When I was abroad, I felt I learned so much about myself. One of the most important things I learned is how to rely on myself. Whenever I was lonely I found comfort in the house of God. I put myself out there and sought out new experiences whether it be trying new things or meeting new people. Being in a relationship, I feel that I’ve kinda lost that part of myself. When being in my relationship, I’ve always thought that I’d be doing my thing - following my dreams, going for what I want, and fulfilling my goals. Having that significant other would simply enhance/improve the experience 10x more with the sole reason of having something special to share with someone else. I realized at some point that I don’t have to go at life alone but to share moments with someone special makes life worth living 10x better, not that I rely on them for happiness. But when you realize someone makes you that happy… then it’s worth fighting for. Anyways, while I do my thing, my significant other would do their thing as well, go for their dreams, goals, and be ambitious. But I guess that’s not the case here. He doesn’t know what he’s doing with himself. He needs to discover himself more. I understand giving him space. It just hurts. It hurts a lot. I know I shouldn’t blame myself and think I wasn’t good enough at supporting him or think I’m the sole reason for how things are playing out. I recognize my mistakes and flaws, it sucks to apologize for them but I have.
I still love him. I can still see him being my baby daddy. I guess I’m not as mad now as when I first found out last night. haha Kinda writing in here makes me feel good. I remember that it gave me strength when I was abroad to just express myself. With this month apart, I can focus on just doing me while he do him. I’m happy for him if he finds himself. In the end, who knows what’ll happen. But he’s right, he needs to learn to fend for himself before he can even consider taking care of someone else or trying to be that support system for someone else. He needs to stand on his own two feet.
It just hurts, that’s all. I’m literally typing everything that first comes to mind…
I’m done for now. Tomorrow’s always a new day. Let’s do me yo. Leggooooo.